Luke 21:34-36
BE CAREFUL, OR YOUR HEARTS WILL BE WEIGHED DOWN WITH CAROUSING, DRUNKENNESS AND THE ANXIETIES OF LIFE, AND THAT DAY WILL CLOSE ON YOU SUDDENLY LIKE A TRAP. FOR IT WILL COME ON ALL THOSE WHO LIVE ON THE FACE OF THE WHOLE EARTH. BE ALWAYS ON THE WATCH, AND PRAY THAT YOU MAY BE ABLE TO ESCAPE ALL THAT IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN, AND THAT YOU MAY BE ABLE TO STAND BEFORE THE SON OF MAN.”
Hi all, sorry it’s been so long since I’ve last written, I just been so busy I’ll be honest I just haven’t had much time to sit down and write for the blog because any writing I been doing has been for the book, but I do feel bad about leaving you all hanging for such long periods of time, so I’m thinking of starting a podcast and doing short little messages once a week. I am thinking for right now, till the book is done it might be my best way to still share my heart with you all and also still update you all about how I’m doing, and where I’m at in the book without having to sit down and actually write something out. I can just grab my microphone, say a few words like I’m grabbing my phone to call a friend and be done with it. When you have sat at a computer screen for hours at a time working on a book than the last thing you want to do is get back on at night and start writing all over again, just being honest lol. I love you all but that is a lot of writing lol, but like I said I also feel so bad for leaving you all hanging for 6-7 months at a time, so I’m thinking the podcast thing is the best way to go for me to still connect and keep my relationship with you all. I am not saying I’ll never write for the blog, I will still do articles here and there like I’m doing now, but I’m thinking a podcast could be something I could do more consistently. So there’s my thoughts on that, but you all tell me what do you think? Good idea or bad idea? now that we got that out of the way let’s move on lol.
I know you all are probably wondering how I’m doing health wise, well unfortunately I lost my winning streak of not having any hospital admissions 😢 as you all know, when I wrote you last I told you I had gone almost 2 years without being admitted into any hospitals, but I also told you I was not sure how much longer that roll would last because even though I hadn’t been in the hospital for an admission, it did not mean I wasn’t having medical complications, to read more about the complications I was having at that time just click here but anyways like I said, because I was having those complications I knew there would be a hospital admission in my future some time soon, it’s not that I was being negative, it’s just when you been dealing with certain health issues for as long as I have, you come to know your body very well, and even though I have faith, that doesn’t mean I have blind folders on, like I’ve said in many of my articles, there is a difference between having faith and living in denial.
Turns out my suspicion of knowing I could end up in the hospital was spot on because Christmas night, yes you heard me right, CHRISTMAS NIGHT! I was sick literally all day on Christmas but I was still able to function and it was still controllable, than about 11:45ish at night, I had literally just gotten in bed, had only been in bed less than a hour, but when I got in bed I said ok let’s try to fight this just till morning so my Mom could at least get a nights rest, because she had been running around like a crazy person trying to put a nice Christmas together for us all, well like I said, thankfully I got through the actual Christmas without any real damage being done to Christmas. I will admit though, that day was one of the hardest days of my life, and I never fought something off as hard as I did that day. I was trying to make it one more day because I had a friend coming over the day after Christmas and he was traveling like an hour out of his way just to see me and we had literally been planning this visit for years, this person has been there for me whenever I’ve needed and truthfully I never had a friend stand by me the way this person has, so that visit was extremely important to me, so between trying to let my Mother rest and recover and me trying to fight to stay healthy to see my friend, it just all got to much for me, about 11 that night I called my friend practically crying telling him I had to cancel our visit, and what was worse about canceling these plans is, he does not live in the same state as me, he was only here to visit family for Christmas and see me, so I knew if I canceled I’d probably be losing the opportunity to spend time with him, But I also knew with how I felt I just had to cancel, because I didn’t want him driving 1-2 hours out of his way to see me and than me be laying on the floor puking on myself and being so sick I couldn’t speak, and I knew by how I felt already that there was a huge chance that would happen, so I called him all upset, of course he told me not to worry, just focus on my health and we will figure out how to meet up another day, he promised me that because he was going to be in Ohio (which is where I live) for another 2 weeks that he’d find a way for us to visit even if he had to visit me in the hospital, so I said ok fine I surrender, let’s cancel our visit for now. Literally I don’t even think it was 15 minutes after I talked to him that everything just came crashing down on me. I was still trying to fight it till morning so that my Mom could get some sleep, but by 11:45pm I knew I could no longer fight this on my own and I knew I was about to throw up, and being alone when feeling like I have to vomit can be very dangerous for someone like me, because I cannot sit-up so I could literally choke to death if someone isn’t with me, and I knew by how I was feeling that was going to happen, so I immediately grabbed my phone and called my Mom, of course I said I know this is the worst timing possible but I’m going to throw up, trust me it’s going to happen! At first I’m not sure she took me to seriously because for the past few months prior to this moment I had a lot of false alarms, so I think at first she assumed this was another false alarm, than she turned my light on and seen how grey I was, and knew it was real. She grabbed me put me in the living room and within 20 minutes I was violently throwing up, and sadly it was bile that I was throwing up, which meant there was no denying it, what I had been complaining about for over a year, I was right about, my intestines were getting cut off again and I was not digesting food properly. After a few hours my parents got me to the emergency room, which the emergency room was a whole mess in it self but I’ll explain that story in a future article or podcast, but after a few hours in the emergency room they got me stable. The reality is unfortunately I’m going to go through this from time to time, and every day since that day has been a massive struggle, my body is so exhausted and beat up right now I can’t even go anywhere, I’ve only left my house twice since Christmas and both times it took so much out of me that I was breaking in to tears just finding out I had to go somewhere, it’s not easy when you get to a point where you are so sick that you break down in to tears when finding out you have something as simple as dinner plans or sone kind of outing where you physically have to leave your house to go to it, it is especially not easy for someone like me who was so active and social. I love going places, which is why I still try to fight to go out, but when your so sick that your body physically won’t let you enjoy the things you once loved, that’s a huge pill to swallow, and in the beginning I had a lot of sleepless nights and even kept calling Doctors and begging them to do something, but I had to finally accept that right now there’s just nothing they can do, so I had to learn to make a new normal for myself, and keep reminding myself this isn’t going to be forever, it’s just a season.
Thats another reason I haven’t wrote a article because I just physically haven’t felt well enough to do one. Besides the scar tissue literally taking over my abdomen, I also have these pockets of fluid still that are also taking over, and between the both of those things my stomach pushes out so much that I cannot even turn on my side easily anymore, so it all has become very overwhelming, but at the same time it’s crazy because even though I’m trapped in my house and my body feels like crap, I have never felt closer to the Lord and have never felt as thankful for life as I do right now, and I can honestly say even though I’m going through hell physically, I have never been more content than I am right now.
My book is almost done, I have an amazing group of friends, especially the one I mentioned earlier, who have all stood by me and literally have held me up, it’s crazy because I’ve never been more secluded than I am now, but yet there have been periods in my life where I wasn’t secluded like this, where I did travel to different churches and volunteer for stuff, and did have more of what society would call a “normal” social life but yet felt a billion times more secluded than I do now, because now I know who I am, and I fully one hundred percent whole heartedly know who Christ is and who I am in Christ, and I whole heartedly am just grateful for the moment I’m in, I’m not trying to push myself to see into the future but am just grateful for the present.
I posted a link on my Facebook page the other day, I have a picture of the post below👇 It’s an article stating how a governor in Ohio signed for them to pass a law to say that if a pregnant woman wants to abort their baby they can no longer do that if a Doctor can find a heart beat! Now let me make clear just like I made clear when I posted this on my Facebook page. I think this issue is a very complex issue and I do not think there is one right or wrong answer, and when I posted this, I was not trying to get into the politics side of this. I posted it because I wanted to focus on LIFE I wasn’t looking at woman’s rights, or even biblical views on it, I was focused on the the LIFE part of it, of course though everyone had to start attacking my post and they were so busy trying to get their point across that they couldn’t see anything else. I nicely told them all, hey I’m more than happy to hear your side of things, but say it once and move on because I do not want people arguing about this. Of course a few of them did not respect my wishes and I actually even had to block someone, which I hate doing, I hate blocking people, but I had to, this woman wrote 32 comments in 4 hours! So after all this went down the Lord kept laying this on my heart and he just continually kept showing me the LIFE aspect of it and continually kept reminding me how he is the one who breathed LIFE in to each and every one of us.
I than shared part of how I felt, I said I am someone who was supposed to die within the first ten days of my life and my parents were not prepared for a sick child, which most of you know all this, they thought they were giving birth to a healthy average baby, but after I was born and Doctors seen how severe I was they continually told my parents that there was no hope for me and there was no way they could care for me at home, and I’m sure some of these Doctors were probably saying all this too because they probably also figured what was the point of putting my parents and siblings through hell by bringing me home and trying to care for me and bond with me when the only out come they would all get was watching me die, but my parents did not look at the death part of it, they focused on LIFE! even though several Doctors throughout my life continually told my parents to put me in a facility because it be easier, my parents did not do that and even though Doctors could only see death, my parents seen life and fought for me to live Life, and because of that I believe that’s one of the reasons I’ve lived 32 years and still counting lol.
I know everyone’s not going to agree with me on this topic and that’s ok and honestly I even hesitated on writing all this but in the end I had to because I knew God was telling me to. I think this is how we need to or should look at abortion, I am not saying I fully agree with the state telling you what to do, but if that’s our way to protect these unwanted children than maybe it has to be that way, I don’t fully know if that’s the right thing, that’s the part where I have mixed feelings, but I do know there has to be a better way, we have to be better. I know some times there are unimaginable cant even begin to understand situations that some woman are going through and are getting pregnant as a result of those horrible situations, and my heart does break for each and every wonan that’s gone through that kind of situation, I mean it broke my heart because just that post I did, that only had at the most 120 comments, but out of those 120 comments I had at least 4 woman open up and admit they were raped and 2 of them admitted of having a baby from being raped, those are only the woman who felt comfortable enough to speak about it, but that’s insane to me, to think that so many woman are going through that on a daily basis breaks my heart! It doesn’t only break my heart for the raped woman, but it also breaks my heart for the children who were created because of it, because I hate that we are becoming a society that can easily want to take the easy way out. Please know before I continue, if you are someone who has had an abortion, please know it’s nothing to be ashamed of, and I am not trying to make you feel shamed, and if you choose that your not a horrible person, your not, your doing what you feel is right for you! But at the same time there is a better way, it may be one of the hardest things you ever do but I believe if you did go through with having your child it would be worth it, because you’d be helping another human experience LIFE! I get your giving up your body for 9 months and a lot of having a baby is obviously more on the woman than the man and maybe part of that isn’t fair, but the reality is that’s life, you want to take it out on someone take it out on Adam & Eve when you get to Heaven LOL. Jesus died for us, he bore that cross for us, so we could have life! I hate to say this in so many of my articles, but to many people want a get out of jail free card, we want to take the easy way out, but we need to stop that, we need to be brave, courageous and strong, and being brave is choosing the hard stuff. No matter what you choose I’ll love you, I’ll support you and I’ll hold you up no matter what, and Jesus will too by the way. I’m just asking before you do make your choice, try to focus on LIFE, not fear. My parents could have given up on me so many times, but they never did, they, especially my Mother, has given her life to care for me, and if she could do that for 32 years straight I know anyone could for 9 months, but there’s a flip side to that too, because if we as Christians are going to beg these woman to stay strong and do what we feel is right, than we better get off our you know what and start being a support, they don’t need prayer or a bible, they need someone to stand up and willing to either care for their kid if they can’t, or at least be a support, help guide them, Pay for their Doctor bills, pay for transportation, pay for clothing, food, something because if we want to say that these pregnant woman need help than we need to come together as a community and help and stop waiting for the state to come in to help everyone, because they can only do so much. It is funny because as the Lord was speaking to me about some of these issues I came across a Facebook video, to this day I don’t know how I found it but I did, and it’s a video of TD Jakes giving these 1 minute sermons and their all awesome, but the first one really stood out to me and I really felt it was why the Lord brought me to that video, the first sermon he speaks on is called my Shot (I think) and he starts explaining a story in the Bible, I won’t go into the story because I’d never be able to explain it like he could, I mean of course I can’t that’s why I’m not a preacher lol, but the moral to the story is. When it comes time for you to “make your shot”, step out on faith and do something that maybe your scared of doing, don’t wait for God to do it for you because God will never do it for you, you will never see him, for instance I’m writing a book, it’s hard, it’s scary, but no matter how hard or scary it is, Gods not going to do that for me, but he will guide me or you to the tools we need to achieve our goal, and so I’m going to tell you again, we can’t expect these woman who are, already scared to death to do the brave thing, if we’re not there to help guide them through the process, in situations like this were the tools, were the people these ladies need to help them achieve their win! We can’t say love like Jesus loves and not walk it out and walking it out is more than a smile on our face and a sweet prayer! We need to do the work.
I wanted to share one last thing than I’ll end. It will sort of bind this all together I promise. We just got through Easter right? What is Easter about? The resurrection of Christ right? It’s a day to reflect on LIFE, it’s a day to reflect on how precious LIFE is and how blessed we are that he gave his entire LIFE for us, he didn’t care what we did, he still don’t, he doesn’t care where we come from, he just loves like a child loves. When a child looks at us they don’t see our flaws, and I know that for a fact because about a year ago I was showing my niece some pictures of when I was a kid, now other than being about 20 pounds thinner I pretty much looked the same, just to give you a visual and a better understanding, back than in these pictures I was showing her, I was about 13 years old, now when I was born I was only about 12 inches long and now I’m still only 25 inches long so it’s not like I grew a whole lot during my childhood lol. So if you a average person seen these pictures of me from my childhood, I wouldn’t even have to say anything, you would automatically know it’s me, not only because of my size but also, how many people have bent arms and are laying in a pink wheelchair, not many LOL, and yes I mean laying because I cannot sit-up. So to you all, you would recognize me in a heart beat, but when I showed my niece these pictures, which at the time she was 7, she just looked at me and my sister, (her Mom) and we knew she had no clue it was me and so I said to her Mira, it’s me, it’s auntie, see the chair and see my arms and I kept pointing out the things that would be most obvious to us, because let’s be honest when we see people we see the flaws before anything else, we see their diseases before anything else, and when this happened the Lord immediately spoke to me and he was like, she doesn’t see the disease, she sees auntie, she sees your heart, your soul, your mind, she does not see the disease, no child does, and he said: kids see people the way I see them, they see through the eyes of love and only LOVE! I know to a certain level that might sound a little cheesy and a little to “Christian” but truly, the Lord sees you he does not see your mistakes or your flaws or your scars, he sees your heart he sees you!
So let’s love whole heartedly like he does, stop fighting and tearing each other down and stop trying to prove what you think is right, and just love. Oh also the song I added above, I did not have time to get ahold of the artist again so I couldn’t make my own video but it’s an amazing song and the artist herself made a YouTube video for everyone to hear it, so I just embedded that video into this article. But the songs called fighting for me, and the artist is amazing, her voice is amazing and the lyrics to these songs she sings are just insane, she’s a newer artist, but extremely talented and anyways again the songs called fighting for me, , and it’s basically a song where she’s singing how no matter what she goes through in life, God will still be their fighting for her, and with her, even if her faith gets weak he’s still going to fight for her love, and I think it’s just the perfect song for right now, it’s perfect because of everything I been going through personally, and it’s also perfect for everything we’re going through as a community and nation, because we can keep tearing each other to shreds but our father is still going to be there fighting for our attention, he’s still going to be whispering things into our heart, and I say heart deliberately because when our father speaks to us he doesn’t speak in our ear he speaks directly to our heart and soul! It is also why I chose to put Luke 21:34-36 because it’s saying to be careful, it’s basically admitting life is going to get messy and hard, but don’t get caught up in the ness and the fear of the drama around you, stay focused on what’s important and the only important thing is your relationship with Christ, and if you stay focused on that and don’t allow the mess of the world to get in your head, heart and spirit, than you will achieve your win and the win is being able to see the son of man, the one who created it all, us all. We’re getting to caught up in the world guys, we need to get back to what is true and pure!
GOD BLESS EVERYONE I LOVE YOU AND JESUS LOVES YOU, HE DIED FOR YOU, IF THAT DOESN’T PROVE HE LOVES YOU NOTHING WILL. anyone who truly knows me knows, I will never try to change you, but I will try to show you this amazing man named JESUS and I will try to prove his love to you. GOD bless and happy Easter! ✝️
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